Circle Jerk

My posts are coming few and far between these days as I seriously haven't had shit to write about. Every time I think I've come up with something halfway amusing, I realize it's already been done. It's been done a million times better than I can do...and also a million times shittier, depending on what sites you frequent.

When I started this blog, I was a naive noob. List articles were actually entertaining. Aggressive language was tolerable (remember how many fucking vulgar names this blog had? No? Oh. Okay). Memes were funny (I hate myself for running a 3 post spread on the best of Scumbag Steve. Seriously. Someone should have sent me a gift wrapped bomb for that).

I was happily and actively adding to the crap that's cluttering the web and destroying humanity. I hate myself for it, and I'm sorry.

Maybe I'm jaded or maybe I'm turning into a female neckbeard but I can no longer participate in this circle jerk of fuckery.

I thought about announcing that I'm having a breakdown and need to disappear, but of course that's been done too. (Dave Chappelle and Ali Borsche, right?)

I really don't know where I'm going with this, but the insomnia's coming back, so that's something.

Keep the comments coming. Love me or hate me, at least I know I'm talking to someone.

Oh, yeah. Follow me on me 3453th twitter account: @devon_ellery

The Night Cooties Died

AKA, "The first middle school dance."

My fiance brought it to my attention that he didn't have middle school dances.

Didn't.
Have.
Middle school.
Dances.

I'm not sure if he's incredibly lucky...or unlucky. Nothing was as fun, awkward or disgusting as a middle school dance.

I'll never forget my first as a brand new 6th grader in middle school. Even better, it was the mid 90s. I'd read enough Baby-Sitters Club and Judy Blume books to know dances were pure magical! Seriously. First kisses, drama and more.

Our gigantic cordless phones rang off the hook as we made plans to see whose parents would drive and what we'd wear. I'm pretty sure I wore a green flannel...with green jeans. 2 different shades of green at that. And some knock off low top doc martens purchased from Sears. Sigh. I'm sure my friends didn't do much better.

There'd be a caravan of sedans and minivans dropping kids off when we arrived. It was a sad and beautiful sight, like Claire's Boutique vomitted on the school. A sea of glitter, cheap earrings and mini backpack purses. Colored lip gloss and training-bra straps were poppin.


A nasty, moist humidity hovered in the air of the gym and it never stopped smelling like sweat. It'd start off with a gender stare down. Boys on one side, girls on the other. We didn't have those dry humping freak fests that they do now. Not at my school, anyway. During the fast songs girls stood in a circle doing and just kind of...moved. Or tried to imitate what they saw in music videos, but no one could actually dance. One rule always stood: hands must be in the air.
 

When slow songs came on we moved into formation and took that stupid slow dance stance. You know the one: girls put their hands on the guy's shoulders. Sway uncomfortably side to side, choking on the stench of too much cheap cologne.

Also, you didn't just slow dance with anyone. Someone had to like the other. Not like, but like. As if slow dancing sealed some kind of fate.

Unlike in the young adult novels, our school never had a punch bowl to stand around. You went to the cafeteria to purchase a can of Veryfine juice and a $2.00 slice of cheese pizza. 50 cents more for pepperoni. That's it. The prices were highway robbery.

The night couldn't end without some type of group dance. Lucky for me, the Macarena was a year away from being released, so it was YMCA or the Electric Slide. Usually YMCA. Ugh.

Not exactly magic, but there was something fun about seeing your classmates outside of their element. I wouldn't give up the memories...but I sure as fuck am glad I'll never attend another.

Office Jargon



I work in an office. It may as well be a prison. I come in. I sit at my desk. I am trapped for 8 hours. I feel like I'm living in some fucked up Office Space - Groundhog Day hybrid. Day in and day out, it's the same shit. I hate it. Everything about it. I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm glad I have a job, and it could be worse...but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

I tolerate a lot of shit, but office jargon has to be the worst. OMG why can't we speak like normal people?! The phoniness. The acronyms. It all makes me want to die. The worst?

• "I'll shoot you an email." How about I shoot your face?
• "At your convienence." As in, take care of this stack of 5,734,157 files...at your convience. When the fuck is that? How about never?
• "Let's touch base." Let's touch the tip of your dick to a red-hot coal.
• "Telephone Tag." Tag is fun. Making 34 phone calls to reach each other when you could have said what you wanted in voicemail - or better, email - is not fun. Kill yourself.
• "URGENT" by itself, whatever. When I see URGENT tacked onto an email, blood vessels pop.  You need something done in the next 4 minutes and feel the best way to relay this is an email? How do you know I'm even in today? Fuck you. Call me.
• "Think outside the box." Why don't you start by thinking outside cliches?
• "I dropped the ball." No. Sugarcoat it all you want, but the truth is you fucked up.
• "Guesstimate." WTF. One word or the other is all you need!
• "Holding down the fort." Makes me want to chew foil.
• "We need to hit a homerun." Keeps me contemplating suicide.

Stop the Nostalgia Bandwagon

"OMGzz liek DIs if yOUr a TrUE 90z kId!!!"

Are you seeing this everywhere? Because I am and I'm sick of it. 90s nostalgia overkill. Even worse, my memories of the 90s are being bastardized by fetuses who were born in 1998 or 1999 and tYpE lIek dIs. Take your Lizzie McGuire DVD's and gtfo. You don't remember the 90s. It's not even possible. You're remembering shit people told you about the 90s.

The 90s weren't that great anyway. It wasn't all lollipops ring pops and neon colored rainbows. How about dial up, JNCO jeans, the Gulf War Oil Spill & Bulworth? Yuck.

BUT, while I was busy sitting atop my "Fuck the 90s" high horse, something happened. I noticed that the 90s circlejerk has given birth to wet dreams of the 2000's - and it started 2 years ago.
What. The. Fuck.

So this all triggered a wave of horrendous flashbacks within me. Seems as if it was just yesterday I was watching "I Love the 90s" and they were commenting on how it was too soon to revisit 1999.

Now look at us.

I feel like the Grinch standing on a mountaintop in Whoville, only instead of stopping Christmas, I must stop 2000's nostalgia.

I tried my best to compile a list of the worst shit to come out of the decade, but come on. It was a fucking decade! I'd be writing for years. There's no way I can touch in on everything, so here are just a few that are particularly stomach turning. I may or may not return with a part 2, depending on how masochistic I'm feeling...

• Thong-th-thong thong thongs. The early 2000's were all about thong underwear. I suppose the fellas - and some ladies loved it. I guess it wasn't all bad...until I think about the fact that the frenzy was pretty much kicked off thanks Sisqo and his miserable Thong Song...jagjdghaskgjs!!
• Low Rise Jeans. Just in time to collide with the thong craze. They were horrible. You had to pull them up 45254 times a day, and unless you had the body of a Barbie doll, they weren't exactly the sightliest choice of pants. Buttcrack and gut galore. Ugh.
• Ponchos for Girls. So. Not. Cute. Like wearing the blanket grandma knitted for her couch.



• Listerene Pocket Packs because listerene tastes so damn good, we needed to take it with us.
• Vanilla Coke and Blue Pepsi Tasted like chemicals. Shit was disgusting, but we bought it up because, well, just because. This is America. We're consumers. That's what we do. Speaking of 'Merica:
• American Flags/Patriotism After 9/11. Flags. Flags everywhere. In lawns. On cars. Hanging from windows. Flag jackets. Flag keychains. Flag magnets. FLAGS!!!! WHERE ARE ALL THOSE FLAGS NOW?!?!
• Chinstrap Beards bwaahahaa.
• Cupcakes Why? What was(is?) the obsession? Cucakeries started popping up everywhere, selling these over-frosted, over-priced concoctions. You could seriously just buy a whole cake for the price of 2 cupcakes at some of these places.
• Tattoo Jewelry

This was a leftover from the late 90s, but who cares. I don't know what's douchier. Real tribal band tats or plastic ones. Speaking of douchey...

• Ed Hardy
• Ring Tones & Ringback Tones Which was worse? Being forced to listen to a horrible song when you called someone or having to hear people's shitty song ringers in public? Give us a little technology, and we don't know how to act. And, what good was a ringtone without...
• Razr Phones. I wanted a pink one so bad. Due to the timing of my cell contract, it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe they weren't so bad, and I'm just sour over not having one.

• Zune. Never stood a chance. Sucked from day 1. Kind of like the Internet Expoler or Bing MP3 players.

• Don't Hassel the Hoff How in hell did David Hasslehoff make such a huge comback?



• Sodoku I will forever hate sodoku. Just because.
• Paris Hilton. Nuff said.
• Crocs. Nuff said.
• 50 Cent. Nuff said.
• Lil John. Nuff said. What?!?!
• Hanging Chads
• Head On apply directly to the forehead!
• Long White Tees aka T-Shirt Dresses Because looking like Wee Willy Winky was hot.

 

• Guys in Pink There's nothing wrong with males wearing pink. Until you end up looking like someone puked Pepto Bismol and cotton candy on you. Cam'ron.

• Vote for Pedro We sure love to run shit into the ground. Napoleon Dynamite was not exempt.
• Queer Eye & Metrosexuals. Gay guys helping straight guys clean up their lives. Nothing wrong with that...until it leaked over into everything, causing the rise of the metro-sexual. It was good intentioned, I suppose, but way to play into stereotypes.
• Fo' Shizzle and every variation of what was referred to as Snoop Speak. Although, that shit didn't originate with Snoop, he can certainly take the blame for the shit storm that ensued after he brought it back.
• Video Hoes Aaah, the golden era of the video hoe. Not all of them were hoes, and most of them were gorgeous, but damn. For awhile there music videos were nothing more than soft core pron.
• Blue Tooth Call me a hater, but there was/is NOTHING worse than seeing some self righteous asshole walking around with a bluetooth strapped to his ear, thinking he's important.
• Trucker Hats Fuck Ashton Kutcher. Pharrell Williams was the OG of that shit, than everyone hopped on the bandwagon. And ruined it. As expected.
• Ghost Riding Shitty Whips Strictly for assholes.
• Louis Vuitton  Louis Vuitton everything. From knock off bags to cars, this is why we can't have nice things. The signature print went from a symbol of class to pure trash.

There you go, fuckers. What a horrible picture I've just painted - and I didn't even mention hipsters or Ugs.

The Internet is Out of Control

If it was a 13 year old, it'd be this bitch:

But what else is new?

I haven't posted in awhile. Actually, it's been exactly 28 days, which is a while for me. I have a few random items to get off my chest.
First, I've been sleeping, ya'll. It's really taking a toll on me, too. I suppose sleep is beneficial to my body, but it's proving to be detrimental to my mind. I pulled an all nighter last Friday, but other than that I barely make it to 2am. I feel like a loser. It's clouding my judgement, stifling my thinking process and ruining my fine motor skills, so forgive me if this post ends up like a yahoo question. I also blame sleep for the fact that I'm too lazy to actually write out  more than a paragraph. I'm still finding all of my usual content. I'm just posting it to Tumblr and not really saying shit.

Speaking of laziness, something's been irking me lately. It's the way websites are producing numbered lists instead of articles. It's extremely discouraging. So, it's not a new phenomenon, but I'm just now getting around to mentioning it. You know what I'm talking about. Those fucking lists. Like "24 of the Most Outrageous Foods EVERRRRR" or "9 Wives Tales that Are True!" or "7 Facts About Turtles that You NEVER KNEW." There's always exclamation marks and an odd ass number of items which drive me crazy.

Like, stop already. None of the shit is ever as exciting, shocking, or astonishing as they make it out to be. It usually turns out to be some garbage trivia you saw on Snapple bottle tops or bubble gum wrappers as a kid. People are eating this crap up, so shitty websites keep cranking it out.

I know I'm not exactly winning the Pulitzer over here, and I'd be lying if I said I proofread what I write, but I have an audience of like, 3.7. These are huge sites I'm talking about. Are the writers getting paid for the lists? Wtf? Are they proud of their work? Aside from a few here and there,

Navigating a wikipedia link trap is more entertaining than that. Get out of here.

Overuse of the word of the fuck. OMG. Is this some type of fad? Don't get me wrong, I love the word as much as the next person. Browse through my blog, and you'll see I probably love it more. It really drives a point when necessary. However, when every fucking word written in a fucking rant is fucking fuck, it loses it's effectiveness. And charm. It needs to stop. In protest, I've been really watching and limiting my use of the word. I even had to change the name of this blog because it bothered me such.

People really know how to ruin shit.

Like how people + religion are ruining memes. Seriously. Anyone can make a bad meme. (Reference the one above). But throw religion in, and it's like...wow. Like this:



And this:

If you make shit like this, go away. I hate you.